Note: It’s raining while I write this up. There’s more to come about the past two weeks of ceremony, but I enjoy going backwards and starting at the end. My baba (grandmother) used to read magazines that way and I took on her habit.
Four Elemental Mothers Water Ceremony 08.27.16
As I drove us down the road, I wondered where to stop. I pulled off into one recreation area which had nice river access, but there were too many people. I got back on the road and shortly after a family of wild turkeys crossed the road. I stopped to give them safe crossing and I knew we were getting close.
I spotted a small clearing at the side of the road where the river comes close and it turned out to have a nice sandy area for sitting. We pulled out our supplies: chairs, waters, stones and snacks. I set up the stones that wished to participate in the ceremony to settle into their arrangement, along with my Tibetan singing bowl with the waters from the Kettle River and its headwaters, Keefer Lake. Then we went down to the river to wade and admire the rocks.
The scene changed again entirely. I was me – the mom – in charge of my ‘house’. In this dream I knew that lots of teens/kids/relatives were visiting. The relatives had shown up and the kids had invited their friends. I was host to a couple dozen guests. I was willing to host them – but not willing to go out of my way and be taken advantage of. They’d all come for a specific 7-day event and this was the next to last day. I was in the kitchen with Sierra, making meal plans. My nephew was sitting on a barstool, overhearing our discussion.
Ingratitude & Entitlement
I said that today I’d make sausages, fresh berries and scones. Tomorrow I’d serve oatmeal and orange juice. Sierra turned up her nose in complaint, and began wheedling to get more and ‘better’ food. I would not be swayed. I was firm – “No. You already had bacon, pancakes, scalloped potatoes with ham, donuts that one morning, fresh pineapple, waffles”. I counted off the days and all of the breakfasts I’d fixed. I declared, “This isn’t a restaurant. You invited them all and I didn’t mind. I’ve fed them breakfast and a midnight snack every day. They get plenty to eat during the ‘talks’. I’ve provided potato chips, cake, chocolate chip cookies, chips and guacamole. Enough is enough.”
I waded into the shore as the scene changed. I’d been swimming parallel to the suspension bridge, aiming for the opposite shoreline, but I was no longer in a city. This was no longer a river or a channel. I was in the wilderness. In my mind was the idea that I’d just swum from the mainland across ocean to a peninsula in a chain of islands. I saw this as the Alaskan Peninsula. I think I’d just swam the equivalent of the Bering Sea. I stood at the end of the peninsula.
There was one structure standing. I saw it as something like one of those old Canadian outposts, the only sign of ‘civilization’ anywhere nearby. I called it a ‘way station; and I saw it as many things. It was a bit like one of those travel convenience centers along a highway, but in this case much more, since it was the only one for thousands of miles. Beyond was what on earth would be the artic circle – the untamed, frozen north.
The ‘city’ had come to a complete standstill. With a bone-chilling shudder I became lucid in the dream and realized that it was the entire multiverse. In my dreams it was a huge industrial city, with the feel of a place that’s both utterly polluted and completely corrupted. I thought of it sort of like German-occupied Poland and also like Moscow under soviet rule. It had been ‘bad’ for a long time. But then recently someone had seized power and now wielded it far more destructively. They were intent upon total domination at any cost, even the self-annihilation of this whole creation.
Betrayal is definitely the word I’d use to describe what I felt. Hate and betrayal, as though the one thing I thought I could count on suddenly believed I was the “them” in “us vs them” and it played out both energetically and physically…(she described private details of what she experienced personally on her end and what an emotional toll it took on her)
When night came I felt things start to ease and I set my intention to dream about the underlying cause. I dreamed (last night) that you and I were out and about, in a crowded mall, intent on our work. We had charts, movies, plans, etc. and we were putting all the final pieces in place. (One of the first seeds) was constantly trying to undermine us, interrupt our progress, and cause a general attention seeking tantrum. At first we were watching a movie to determine where in the plot we needed to intervene and s/he was behind us, chatting and making interruptions. We were ignoring that and s/he put their head between us from behind, in a “hey, pay attention to me” way that was annoying. You said you didn’t like that one bit, so I turned and said not to do that again. Typical first seed, trying to get attention.
Last night (Sat 5/14) was betrayal. I’ve had a hard time all day accepting it. I’ve been one huge knot of tension, but I can’t seem to face it. I can barely even get myself to consider it. In the dream the betrayer had revealed him/herself because s/he thought the success of the rebellion was assured. I don’t know who betrayed us, but it was huge – the ultimate betrayal. It was someone I/we trusted so completely, so unquestionably, that it was unthinkable. It was someone we partnered with on all levels through all of history. It was someone I thought of as a spirit without gender, someone who didn’t embody here, not one of the first seeds – someone with much more knowledge and power.
Today I wondered who that would be. Who would be the equivalent in my life now? I considered what it would be like to discover that my Beloved was betraying us all along – but I know that it wasn’t him. I wouldn’t even get the waking message that we’d been betrayed if he wasn’t here channeling the message to me. I considered what it would be like if Jaya betrayed all of us – but I know it wasn’t her either. Those two examples were to show me the magnitude of it. They’re the two I trust here with everything, and it feels like it’s on that scale. Not Jaya’s Beloved. Not Gaia. Who besides us sisters and our beloveds would we trust like that? I considered one of the ten immortals and I decided I’d better not make guesses and cast any stones in the wrong direction.
My dad/son showed up. I realized that my chaos family had folded my father-son first seed out of me. Neither of them realizes it consciously yet, but both my dad and my eldest son are spirit facet and soul fragment pairs connected to the same higher self. Our pattern has been parent – child – parent, raising one another in progression. All of my 144 first seeds were split into these parts, divided into 10x10x10 or more each with a different general pattern but some variety too, to live lots of experiences at once, from many different perspectives. He showed up both as my parent, to remind me to be safe, and as my child, to remind me that I’m a role model and accountable for more than just myself.
As my dad, he said skeptically, “Remember the last time?” I thought back to showing off for him long ago, demonstrating that old thrill when I was already way too big for it. I remembered that I’d slid down, tearing off shingles left and right and sending rails falling into the abyss. It hadn’t been safe then – not in a long, long time. I sensed his unspoken disapproval for what I’d been about to do, as well as his wish that I actually could be young again and enjoy it as it was. I suddenly felt foolish and my bravado turned to chagrin.
Thursday night I had two main dreams. One was split between the start and end of the night, with the other in between as an interlude. That first and last dream was very long and complicated, about the ‘spirit elections’. It gave me all sorts of crazy unbelievable – yet perfectly logical and believable – clues about the current earth elections and who is who’s higher self, what they’re up to and why on the spirit planes. [Note: I’m not going to share that here. Someday in the distant future it will be available in my notes and memoirs]
It was the next day in the dream and I visited some home I’d lived in very long ago – way before everything else. I thought of it as ‘the original house’. For reference I remembered that it was before the predecessors of the Pleiadians and Arcturians were even born. In the dream it was like visiting my old home in Colorado in the sense that I’d LOVED living there, and had felt ‘at home’ there like nowhere else here before or since, like it was where I truly belonged. I’d spent my existence since then wishing that I could return there, as I’ve spent my life reminiscing and wishing I could return to Colorado.
In the dream I must have been arguing and rejecting my acclaim as creation programmer, and needed much convincing. Why else would I spend the whole night reviewing what it felt like to be ‘me’? I could have given myself one dream and left it at that. Instead I went through example after example after example of reminding myself of creating in all sorts of different ways and combinations for all sorts of possibilities. I’d say, “Remember when those creators asked for my help…” and “Then there was the creation where…” and “I shocked everyone by breaking that pattern and doing the complete opposite when I teamed up with those sisters to…”.
Why would Hallow ever need to impress me? Why would my higher self need to spend a whole night bragging to myself? I wouldn’t! No, it wasn’t just for my benefit as Amy. I somehow knew that I wasn’t just congratulating myself. It seemed really important to convince myself as Hallow that I’m the genius behind this program, and to build up my confidence, so that I could handle the ultimate challenge now. That was me, pep talking myself! It feels like, “Here goes – all or nothing!”
06.08.16 – I had some rough experiences with people this week which led to an intense frustration with humans and the blame game. Thus, I went down to the river. It usually eases my heart quickly, but I couldn’t settle for awhile. My anger only continued to build. I spent time in the river and cleansed the stones that had asked to come along. After an hour of trying to calm down, I sat down in the chair with a huff and gave in. I focused on my breath and merged with my surroundings. Within minutes, an elk crossed the stream about 50ft in front of me. It startled, noticing me, as I was downwind and I observed quietly. I wondered what it heralded. Then the wind buffeted me and I sank into a journey with a Kachina I hadn’t worked with in 16 years. He first appeared to me during a guided journey where I was to meet my elemental helper. This time he came as Butterfly Dancer (the Kachina that lands on flowers, then the medicine man uses these in his medicine), fitting as I noticed many butterflies about. Read the full journey here.