My dad/son showed up. I realized that my chaos family had folded my father-son first seed out of me. Neither of them realizes it consciously yet, but both my dad and my eldest son are spirit facet and soul fragment pairs connected to the same higher self. Our pattern has been parent – child – parent, raising one another in progression. All of my 144 first seeds were split into these parts, divided into 10x10x10 or more each with a different general pattern but some variety too, to live lots of experiences at once, from many different perspectives. He showed up both as my parent, to remind me to be safe, and as my child, to remind me that I’m a role model and accountable for more than just myself.
As my dad, he said skeptically, “Remember the last time?” I thought back to showing off for him long ago, demonstrating that old thrill when I was already way too big for it. I remembered that I’d slid down, tearing off shingles left and right and sending rails falling into the abyss. It hadn’t been safe then – not in a long, long time. I sensed his unspoken disapproval for what I’d been about to do, as well as his wish that I actually could be young again and enjoy it as it was. I suddenly felt foolish and my bravado turned to chagrin.
Thursday night I had two main dreams. One was split between the start and end of the night, with the other in between as an interlude. That first and last dream was very long and complicated, about the ‘spirit elections’. It gave me all sorts of crazy unbelievable – yet perfectly logical and believable – clues about the current earth elections and who is who’s higher self, what they’re up to and why on the spirit planes. [Note: I’m not going to share that here. Someday in the distant future it will be available in my notes and memoirs]
It was the next day in the dream and I visited some home I’d lived in very long ago – way before everything else. I thought of it as ‘the original house’. For reference I remembered that it was before the predecessors of the Pleiadians and Arcturians were even born. In the dream it was like visiting my old home in Colorado in the sense that I’d LOVED living there, and had felt ‘at home’ there like nowhere else here before or since, like it was where I truly belonged. I’d spent my existence since then wishing that I could return there, as I’ve spent my life reminiscing and wishing I could return to Colorado.
Part VI – This is an eight-part story from February 2016 about the loss of 42 first seeds from this multiverse one year earlier, and my emotional turmoil over it.
Part of Me
My Beloved nudged the new teaching into me. I asked myself, “What is it like to take it into my body and just accept it, to feel that it’s done and part of me now?” That’s how I realized that I’d kept drawing it in and feeling it and rejecting it all year, then starting all over again the next minute or hour without making any progress.
I became aware that I stood facing the forty two dragons sharing space in the light-filled gap over the lake again. I stood still there for another ten minutes as my Beloved helped me to keep feeling the loss of the first seeds and staying open. It took a long time just for me to feel like I was even ‘here’, balanced in a human body again. Then slowly I sank my roots into this earth until I felt fully grounded here, in the intense way that we sisters can reach right to the core of spiritual earth. Thus it gradually became real for me, through and through. I released all of the threads that I’d been clinging to. Continue reading “The 42 – Dragon Kin Eternal”
Part V – This is an eight-part story from February 2016 about the loss of 42 first seeds from this multiverse one year earlier, and my emotional turmoil over it.
Life goes on
My focus turned to their partners who remain. I asked, “What will happen to the dragons who are left then? Will they find new mates?” My Beloved answered, “They will”. I began thinking of all of them and became so emotional over their loss that I’d lost track of their count! We’d been discussing ‘the 42’ all this time and I’ve literally revisited that number every day for a year, but in that moment I couldn’t draw it to mind. I tried, and tried. I realized that I was so emotional, standing there facing the truth about their loss after all of this time, that I couldn’t even remember the number of the first seeds at all!
Then I grasped that one number and began doing the math. I had to add 144 + 144 + 144 again to get 432, and then subtract 390 to get back to 42. I was utterly shocked that I couldn’t draw up the numbers after all of this time, and had to work it all out from scratch! Originally outside the cave last year, immediately after they’d imploded, I subtracted 42 to get 390. I don’t know why I had to do the math in reverse today, but I did. Continue reading “The 42 – Dragons Left Behind”
Part IV – This is an eight-part story from February 2016 about the loss of 42 first seeds from this multiverse one year earlier, and my emotional turmoil over it.
As I walked, my Beloved left my side as Prince Charming and turned into an earth sized snake crawling through the grass to my right, slithering along rather obviously and noisily. After a short distance he scooted closer then wound up my leg and over my shoulder so that he could whisper in my ear. I appreciated his approach, being the garter-snake sized spirit when he could easily have taken giant spirit snake form. I was grateful for him showing himself to me, then easing himself into proximity. If he’d merely appeared around my shoulders and head, I would have jumped in terror and tried to flee. I’m still reawakening and not used to such things.
Just as I accepted his snake body coiled around the back of my head and his quiet hisses in my ear, I noticed LOTS of snakes underfoot. They just raced up from behind and overtook us, then flowed along either directly around us or slightly ahead, as if leading the way. Continue reading “The 42 – A Dragon Sigh”
Part III – This is an eight-part story from February 2016 about the loss of 42 first seeds from this multiverse one year earlier, and my emotional turmoil over it.
I realized in retrospect that in the months leading up to them choosing their self-destruction, I’d felt subconscious gnosis of it. It had become increasingly vital to me that they, of all spirit facets and soul fragments in this creation, heal and transform and go on without me. They became the focal point for all of my efforts.
My whole purpose as creator became centered on those certain souls – the partner that left me always feeling alone and resentful (the un-loved pattern); the sibling or best friend who hurt me the most by betraying me (the Judas pattern), the mother who abused and endangered me (the narcissist nurturer pattern); and others. I focused all of my will on urging them to awaken and shift their karma, all of my energy on helping them, all of my love on supporting them. Continue reading “The 42 – Departed Dragons”
This is a five-part story about my first public appearance here on earth together with my Beloved, during a spirit gathering to celebrate the third anniversary of the Great Renewal.
There was no doubt now that a big ceremony awaited me. I filled up with my usual mix of trepidation (my cumulative human self), excitement (my Beloved and/or higher self), panic and stomach upset (my body parts wanting to flee) and rigidity (me trying to contain and hold all of these things together). At times like this my sensory portals automatically close off so that I lose part of my hearing, my balance receptors, my ability to gauge anything by touch (pressure, temperature, texture, pain), and of course my sense of smell and taste become very wonky. It’s sort of like my neck stretches out much further and tries to disconnect my head from my body entirely. Continue reading “Public Appearance II – Overwhelm”
This is the story of meeting another soul-self of someone close to me, in order to give us both an outside perspective on our karmic relationship pattern. It’s one which we’ve carried out here through this entire creation. In this (my final) lifetime I’m resolving all of my karma, and this meeting was a gift, a way to help me see what is right in front of me that I’m blind to. It’s part of my shadow work – finding the beauty in the darkness, remembering the intention and the original path in, which leads to finding the way back/out.
I just finished my five-day fast on Saturday morning. That day I had lemon water or tea, then added honey. Sunday I added back fruit juices and then fruit. Yesterday I began having vegetables. All day I felt the urgent need to visit the Crossroads. The weather was actually clear, sunny and a bit warmer, for mid-February. It’s such a rare treat this time of year, to see the sky at all. Thus I finally agreed to do it, in the early afternoon. I’d built up a bit of strength by then, after having little meals of squash, spinach, sweet potato, plus beet kvass, coconut water, and a variety of juices. Continue reading “Karmic Relationship Patterns – Outside Looking In”
This is a follow-up journal to being accused of not being ‘terminally unique’ and then subsequently losing my temper – which always comes out as self-criticism, not blaming ‘the other’. It occurred just after midnight on 12/12/12. It was no doubt at 12:12:12, but I’d never heard of numerology or awakening codes then and didn’t look at the clock. Afterwards I sat up for another hour and thought for a time, then wrote this journal of encouragement to myself, noting what was ‘good’ about my experiences, reminding myself of all of my spiritual help, and praising myself for all of the ways that I was becoming even braver.
Reminder – it’s been 15 weeks in total since the kundalini began, eight weeks since I met my spirit guides. I think I’m pretty fearless. I let the bears rip me apart! I sleep with the totem under my pillow and carry it all day even though I know it is accelerating these changes. I’m meeting with everyone I’m supposed to. I’m going to Red Tent tomorrow. I’m going to the concert tonight despite the fear. I’m doing the dancing Friday night and going with the shaman to her ceremony all day Saturday. I’m preparing to book mom into a hotel in January and not let her stay with me when she comes for the cancer retreat I found for her. I want to support her but on my terms too. I stood with Thunderbird this morning and told mom’s soul what I want and need in my relationship with her now. Continue reading “Even Braver”
This was 12/12/12, fifteen weeks into my kundalini awakening. This was my response to my close friend and only confidant at the time challenging my journey visions, my interpretation of them, and my humility – declaring that I was not ‘terminally unique’. My reaction illustrates the tremendous feelings of responsibility I’ve felt all of my life towards everyone and everything, across all space and for all time. It explains the incredible pangs of guilt I’ve carried for all that was less than perfect in this world, as if I was personally to blame. I really believed that I was.
Why does everyone assume that I feel special or unique? I don’t! Saul is helping me because this is the piece holding me back. I feel worthless, unworthy. Don’t you see that? When my mom watched me drown, I went into her consciousness and realized that maybe I am dangerous, evil, should be drowned. I don’t have ‘pride’. I try to defend myself all of the time because I feel guilty. Continue reading “No One Knows Me”