In the dream I must have been arguing and rejecting my acclaim as creation programmer, and needed much convincing. Why else would I spend the whole night reviewing what it felt like to be ‘me’? I could have given myself one dream and left it at that. Instead I went through example after example after example of reminding myself of creating in all sorts of different ways and combinations for all sorts of possibilities. I’d say, “Remember when those creators asked for my help…” and “Then there was the creation where…” and “I shocked everyone by breaking that pattern and doing the complete opposite when I teamed up with those sisters to…”.
Why would Hallow ever need to impress me? Why would my higher self need to spend a whole night bragging to myself? I wouldn’t! No, it wasn’t just for my benefit as Amy. I somehow knew that I wasn’t just congratulating myself. It seemed really important to convince myself as Hallow that I’m the genius behind this program, and to build up my confidence, so that I could handle the ultimate challenge now. That was me, pep talking myself! It feels like, “Here goes – all or nothing!”
I woke up with a terrible headache the next morning. I’ve been growling ever since, like an angry wolf, all week long. I’ve tried to forget, ignore, and deny the reason, which has only hurt my head much more. The truth is that I know that something very big is coming, related to my creation programming skills. I just know that I have to access some very hidden and critical program soon. Throughout the week I’ve heard myself saying worrisome things like, “This had better succeed.” and “This was the program behind the programs all along” and “I hope it works.” That uncertainty wasn’t Amy, it was Hallow! How can she be nervous? My own higher self is freaking out!
All I remember about the dreams the three nights following that (May 9th-11th) was the fury I felt each time I woke up, and how grueling they were, like a full year of college each. Wednesday night I was in boardroom conferences all night long, planning. I woke up immediately after looking at a chalk board that said ‘May 13th, 2016’. I knew that day would be a BIG DEAL. I thought, “the 13th – that’s Friday”, right as I received a tremendous snake bite in the hand. What a way to wake up.
I was nervous for two days. Of course Friday I planned to be super-alert and look for whatever I’d been warned about. I came awake suddenly in agitation because my cell phone rang. That’s a rare occurrence, since I’ve spent the past five years trying to disconnect from my first seeds as part of separating and nudging them towards spiritual adulthood. When my phone does ring, I always worry that it will wake the kids up early, so I hurry to get it. Marty was sitting at his computer right next to my phone, but he never answers it.
I came down and grabbed it quickly but saw at the last second that it was my mom, and didn’t answer it. I said to Marty, “Phew. I’m glad I looked before I answered. It was mom, and I don’t want to talk to her.” I went up to shower and heard him talking on his phone, the doofus. She called him next, and he answered. She knows he’s a direct line to me. I don’t know why he did that. She called to say she drove up the coast to visit my nieces but before she got there, they were hospitalized with a new illness. She’d spent a week on the coast already and they still weren’t well enough for a visit, so she just decided to just drive up here that day or the next, and spend a whole week with us.
I was so angry that I waited a few hours before calling back, then left a voice mail. I try to minimize all contact with her, and I most certainly don’t want her bringing the man she’s cheating on dad with to my house. I’ve told that it’s fine if she divorces to be with him, but the deception and hurt she’s causing is just wrong. The man is also very judgmental and has dared to lecture my sisters about all sorts of things that aren’t his business, including their roles as daughters and their ability to parent their own kids. He’s not getting within miles of me and my family.
I knew that I had to forestall her, and I used her shame to accomplish it. I said firmly, “He is not welcome here. Do not come up. I hope you get to visit and have some time with the granddaughters, or else enjoy your time in Oregon, but you can’t come here.” I was proud of myself for being resolute. She never called back. It’s as likely as not that they’ll just show up and ring the doorbell, looking for a confrontation. We’ll see.
Ashton must still be affected by the soul exchange with her to some degree. He remained calm that day but explained that he was fighting rage the entire day, wanting to throw tantrums and pick on all of us. He carried all of the furniture out of the kitchen in preparation for washing the floor. He shook the rugs, got out the broom and mop – then begged me to let him put it all back and start over tomorrow. He said he couldn’t explain it but he just felt like breaking things, and he couldn’t bear to clean the floor now. He sounded so desperate, and I believed him.
Every chair he carried out, he slammed onto the floor and immediately said, “Sorry – sorry – sorry. I meant to be gentle.” I said he could put it all back if he forced himself to BE gentle, and he was, with great effort. I saw how hard he tried all day to battle the rage and be calm and loving. Having his (and her) facets dispersed among the whole dragon first seed tribe has helped so much!
I thought back to that dispersion ceremony last August 20th a lot all that day and since, and felt a strong connection there to the work ahead of me. Their higher selves were involved in something in the distant past, and echoes of it throughout time, that caused a great deal of trouble. I know it’s all directly related to the program ‘errors’ we’ve suffered all of this time. I waited all that day and nothing else notable occurred. Her sudden plan to visit, their soul exchange, each of their long-term roles in multiverse history, and major efforts far and wide to alter and heal those patterns now were definitely the themes of the day. I guess keeping her from interfering this week while I activate the hidden program is a big deal, thus the Friday the 13th dream alert.
(To be continued)
Hallow ~ May 15th, 2016 (reflecting on May 8th)
Friday the 13th
by Alvin Lee
I don’t know if I’m right or wrong
What I do is just get along
Can’t relate to infinity
So much space and room in me
All the things that I can’t believe
All the things I can’t conceive
Under the sea
There’s thoughts that I can’t find
Hidden deep inside my mind
Seemed that everything I saw
Echoed memories left behind me now
I can’t live with reality
Cut my chains and set me free
Trying to lose everything I’m told
I don’t buy everything I’m sold
Till then I’ll be passing by
All the pain and all the strife
Those memories seem so tall
When I picture nothing at all
Mischief falling in the hole
Far too deep to hear me go